Interlude
by Enno Vy
Summary: What if the characters had lives of their own outside the books? Set after OotP.


Disclaimer: All characters belong solely to J.K. Rowling . . . I have merely appropriated them for my own entertainment.

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_Interlude_

"AAAAHHHH!" 

"Hey, hey, Harry! Calm down!" Voldemort leaps back in alarm. "Remember me? Your old Uncle Voldie who used to baby-sit you when your parents got tired of you vomiting all over their robes?" 

"Oh, yeah . . . ." Harry looks sheepish as he slides his wand back into his robes. "Sorry. All this acting is getting to me. How do Muggle movie actors switch back between plot and reality? I actually forgot that Book 5 is over!" 

He-Who-Supposedly-Is-the-Most-Evil-Wizard-of-All-Times breathes a sigh of relief. "Yes, thank all the gods for _that_! I'm _so_ tired of pretending that I'm a heinous mass murderer!" he exclaims, flinging out his arms dramatically and nearly knocking Bellatrix Lestrange off her feet when she pops up behind him. 

"Watch _out_, Tom Marvolo Riddle!" she snaps, jumping to a side. "How many times do I have to warn you that histrionics are unwelcome at Hogwarts once Rowling sends her books off to the publishers?" 

"Oh, er . . . sorry Bella," Voldemort mumbles meekly. 

"And you'd better remember that too, or I'll curse you all the way from here to Book 7!" 

"Ye gods! Bella! I _apologized_ already!" 

"_Men_," she snorts and starts to turn away before whirling around to glare at Harry. "And _you'd_ better not turn out like him, boy, or I'll – " 

"Kill his beloved godfather again?" inquires an amused voice. 

"Sirius!" yells Harry in relief. "Sirius! You're all right! You're _alive_!" 

Sirius catches Harry as the boy flings himself at his godfather. "Calm down there, Harry," he laughs, hugging the teenager affectionately. "Didn't Remus tell you that Madam Pomfrey would fix me up in no time as soon as Rowling got finished with me? I'm only dead in the _book_, you know." 

"Oh, Sirius!" cries Voldemort, clutching at his chest dramatically. "You aren't dead! Ooooh, I can't believe it! Oh, the happy family reunion is too much for me – I can't bear it anymore – I'm going to – " 

"Do us all a favor and shut up, won't you? As if we didn't have to listen to you through 870 pages of prose!" 

Voldmort stiffens in mock dignity. "Ah, my faithful Death Eaters have returned! Good to see you cheerful as ever, Lucius." 

The mob of exhausted Death Eaters gives a collective sigh, and Wormtail rolls his eyes at his master. "Yes, it's all very well for _you_ to criticize us when you're happily tanning yourself by the lake while babysitting Harry there, but _we've_ been slaving away like house elves to tidy up the Ministry!" 

"We _told_ the Aurors that it wasn't our fault Rowling got into a destructive mood and had us wreak havoc in the Department of Mysteries, but would they listen?" complains Avery. 

"At least we're out of Azkaban until the beginning of Book 6," sighs Macnair. "I really do _not_ fancy that place." 

"Yeah, but poor Rodolphus is still being lectured by young Percy Weasley on proper decorum in government headquarters. I don't see how that's much of an improvement," chuckles Lucius, shaking his head. 

"Awww, I should rescue my husband, shouldn't I?" Bella remarks lazily, flopping down in the beach chair she's just conjured up. 

"I wouldn't if I were you. Perfect Percy would not be swayed by your charms. Marzipan, anyone?" 

A collective shudder now seizes the Death Eaters as they stare at the Weasley twins. 

"Ah, I'm not very hungry – " 

"Thank you, but it's almost dinnertime – " 

"I'm on a diet – " 

"Urgent business, must go – " 

Fred stares at the dark wizards' backs as they flee for the safety of the Great Hall, where the presence of McGonagall and Snape will hopefully spare them from the two little maniacs. "Well," he notes cheerfully, "now I know how to defeat Death Eaters in Book 6. Offer them candy!" 

"Here, I'll have it." George gulps down the chocolates. "Mmmm . . . they have no idea what they're missing," he observes smugly, patting his stomach as Voldemort, Sirius, Bella, and Harry gape at him. "What?" he inquires in a hurt tone. "Don't you _trust _us?" 

"Not since you turned Rodolphus into a _turtle_ last time he drank one of your sodas! We barely got him back into human before Book 5 started!" 

"Aww, calm yourself, cousin." Sirius pets her on the shoulder. "He's a big boy, Bella – he can handle paddling around in the lake with the giant squid for five days. And incidentally, where's my apology? You _did_ kill me in Chapter 35, if I recall correctly." 

"Really? Murder my own dear cousin?" she exclaims with angelic innocence. "I must plead the Imperius Curse!" Jumping up, she whirls around to point an accusing finger at Voldemort. "He made me! He forced me! It wasn't me!" 

Voldemort turns to his supposed nemesis with pleading puppy eyes. "I appeal to Harry." 

"Yes," cries Sirius, "let justice be done!" 

Harry is doubled over with laughter now. "Come on – come on – " he gasps, giving up the struggle and collapsing onto the grass, rolling around as he lets out all the pent-up strain of obeying Rowling's plotline to the letter of the . . . well, letter. "Stop making me laugh!" 

"Children these days," sighs Voldemort. 

"Yes, when _we_ were young – " Sirius starts. 

"We _never_ got into _any_ trouble," finishes Remus with a mischievous grin as he strolls across the lawn to join the sunbathers. "What's this I hear about you two menacing Death Eaters with highly dangerous and illegal substances?" he attempts to demand sternly of the twins. "May I remind you that terrorist tactics are strictly forbidden in the wizarding world except when Rowling takes up her pen?" 

"_Dangerous_? _Illegal_?" squawks George indignantly. "We just offered them _marzipan_! What could possibly be wrong with good old _marzipan_?" 

"Plenty," mutters Harry, employing all his Quidditch skills to dodge Fred's equally Quidditch-skilled kick. "I don't think Lucius has gotten over finding himself a stuffed plush _cat_ that time he tried a mint!" 

"Ah, well," Fred shrugs philosophically, "we've already acknowledged that we went a little too far last time. But we always learn from our mistakes!" 

Voldemort and Harry sigh in despair. 

Sirius and Bella snort unbelievingly – in unison – and burst out laughing at that. 

"Well, Bella, we _are_ related." 

"True, true. I blame the genes." 

Remus smiles _very_ gently. "Sirius, Bella, are you two _quite_ sure you don't need a few more sessions with the psycholomagus? After all, having to kill or getting killed by your own cousin must be an extremely stressful event." 

"Remus Lupin!" the supposedly mentally unbalanced cousins both yell. 

A furious shout from the doorway saves Remus from Bellatrix Lestrange's quite impressive repertoire of nasty hexes. "FRED! GEORGE!" 

"Quick! Run!" Harry urges the frozen twins. 

"_What have you done this time_?" Mrs. Weasley comes storming out of the school. "_Do you realize that I have twenty Death Eaters cowering under the staff table right now? What did you do to petrify the poor things like that_?" 

"We didn't do _anything_, Mum!" 

"All we did was – " 

"Offer them marzipan," supplies Harry before collapsing once again. 

Eyeing their charge warily, Sirius and Voldemort speak together. 

"Too much excitement – " 

"Needs a long nap – " 

"Come on, Harry." 

Together they march the helplessly laughing Harry back into the castle, presumably to put him to bed where they can recount boyhood adventures until he begins to snore. 

But Mrs. Weasley ignores them. 

"Mum!" 

"Honestly, it was _nothing_ this time!" 

"Look, _I_ ate them!" 

"Then why are they shaking as though the book version of Voldemort just put them all under the Cruciatus Curse?" Knowing her sons all too well, Mrs. Weasley glares at their injured expressions. 

"_Mum_! You'll _never_ believe what just happened!" Ron comes sailing out the door. 

"What?" asks his mother in the tone of a housewife expecting to hear that in an area with no fault lines, an earthquake has just leveled her kitchen while dinner is still on the stove. 

"Dolohov came up to the hospital wing to beg Hermione to save his life! He just came _flying_ up and _threw_ himself down on his knees beside her bed and begged her to forgive him for his curse and to _please_ save him from Fred and George!" 

"What happened?" George demands, eyes sparkling. 

"What did she say?" asks Fred eagerly. 

"She ordered him to read _Hogwarts: A History_ to her just to make her_ consider_ protecting him from you two!" Now it's Ron's turn to fall to the ground, convulsing with mirth. 

"And then what?" screams Fred, unable to bear the suspense any longer. 

"Oh – you should've seen – Dolohov – he was reading and _acting _out – the founding – when I left!" 

"See, Mum?" George regards his mother with an air of virtuousness. "It's all for a good cause." 

"Oh, you two," she sighs. 

Unnoticed, Remus leans over to whisper to Bellatrix, "Come on, let's go for a stroll in the Forbidden Forest – get out of this insane asylum for a bit." 

Though she has been regarding the Weasley drama with a stupefied expression, Bella quickly recovers her senses. "Oh, yes," she agrees instantly. "I've been meaning to ask you – has Sirius _really_ forgiven me?" 

"Well . . . he knows that only his book character is dead . . . but on the other hand, that's going to cause Harry a lot of pain in subsequent novels . . . ." 

Their voices fade away as the trees and shadows engulf them. 

Meanwhile, Harry is lying cozily in his bed in Gryffindor Tower, gazing up sleepily at his babysitters, both of whom are sitting comfortably at the foot of his bed. 

"Where're Mum and Dad . . . ?" 

"James is keeping Dumbledore company – what was Rowling thinking of, writing that duel scene into the ending? Albus isn't young anymore. He'll have to rest in bed for a week!" 

"Lily's trying to calm down Fudge. The strain of resisting Rowling's insistence that my goal is to murder you and that he's a blind old fool was . . . too much for him." Voldemort shakes his head. "If only he'd play along with her just for the duration of the novels . . . ." 

"Poor Fudge . . . . We made life very difficult for him in Book 5, didn't we?" Harry asks guiltily. 

"Don't worry about it." 

"It's not your fault." 

"Yeah . . . . I guess." Harry blinks sleepily. "Tell me a story, Sirius, Voldemort." 

"Which one?" 

"The one about what will happen in the next book . . . ." 

The two adults exchange exasperated but affectionate glances as Voldemort tucks in the covers more tightly. 

Sirius commences the familiar recital. "It's summertime, and you're back at the Dursleys', and you're bored . . . ." 

Voldemort picks up the tale. "And somewhere out there, I'm plotting to kill you. . . ." 

Listening to the soothing voices, Harry slowly drifts off to dreamland. 


End file.
